Episode 20: "FAKE LIT" feat. Sean Thor Conroe *FULL EPISODE ON PATREON*

We're laundering it through the free version of cloud farm for the full episode. Yeah, this is honestly you coming on is how girls are going to stop listening. Yeah. Oh, man. No, I appreciate you put them out, man. No, dude. Yeah, it was good to see you yesterday. Yeah, yeah. I haven't been able to do anything. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not. I feel like I started that diamond square. Yeah. Just because me and Joan hated COVID so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't really fuck with all that. We'll get into it. It's like all Patreon. It's like all Patreon. So you can go in. Yeah, I was going to post the first half of that combo that I did with that boy. But then I already got one. The aborber's driver is sitting. And it's like, did I just pull that through the Patreon? Yeah. The incel pull. It's so funny. How many have you got on Patreon? I got... Yours is too cheap, man. No, I upped it. Did you? I capped it at 50. So there's 52. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We should be getting this on the record. Yeah. And I'm so generous. Yeah. So I'm on the two. You are? Yeah. Two or five? Two. Nice. You are OG, dude. Okay. As long as you feel that way. Yeah. Yeah. You want to go, Rob? I'm fucking sorry. I'm going to piss as well. Yeah, you're so good. How's your bladder, Sean? Yeah, I got a piss too off. Yeah, there we go. There we go. There we go. I literally, like, I woke up and I was like, I just always forget how long it takes to get out to, it's like a damn fun other town. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I was like, you need to try a lot of coffee. So are you up, are you up, like, near the Bronx? Is that how far up you are? Nah, it's, I'm gonna go out for east side. It's like 70s. Getting towards Harlem then, is that right? Yeah, it's getting towards Harlem. I used to live in Harlem, but yeah. What's that like? Harlem? Yeah. Harlem's the, Harlem's fine. Yeah. It's good, it's public. Has it got like shit going on? You like, what you mean? Well, I mean, is it like more, to start again, is it more like gentrified now, or is it still the Harlem that... Yeah, it's just, but I was living kind of in there. Right, right, right. You know, in the summers, everyone's outside and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool though, man. A little hectic, rip you real quick.

Okay, that was a headache. The headache was never in effect. It's the cognition. There's no pain, there's only incompetence, mentally. so we mic'd up yeah would you mind just uh running the lapel mic that's down there just up through your t-shirt yeah that's the one man this is sick dude yeah this is kind of move the lapel makes me i'm glad you say that you're the first person to say that yeah because now i'm always like Got more focused reading books and stuff, you know? Yeah, yeah. We're just like, just read a whole passage and the mic's like over here. They're not that expensive. They're cheap, yeah. Well, they're like 50, 60. 50 a head. So they're XLR, XLR lapel mics. Yeah. I've got some Bluetooth lapel mics, but they're a little jank. They are a little janky. Also, if you've got like more than two, the like signals clash and shit like that. The $25 Bluetooth mic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jank, dude. Do you know who Sam Sulik is? Yeah, he's a lifting guy. I don't really know why people watch him. I just... You don't like it? Damn, I thought you'd been into it. I just, like, morbid fascination. He's just always just trying to get as jacked as possible. Yeah. He's crazy. But I just met the vlogging style. He's so big. Yeah. He looks so good. He comes... Oh, yeah. I feel like you just bring him up every podcast. Yeah, that's my bad. He comes up so often. It's just like... Yeah, he comes up every now and then I'm like, why? Like, what? I don't get what... I get... Okay, I see. People just, like... He's just trying to get as big as possible. No, I brought him up because he kind of trademarks having like a clip-on mic on your hat. And I like everyone on YouTube does it. All right, we're double fisting, dude. Yeah. Nice. Is this podcast going? Is this a podcast right now? Yeah, but Rob's got some special shit. Let's kick us off. Birkin Stocks, Thought Boy Show, Argyle Socks, Win My Birkin Stocks.

Ain't got a Birkin bag, but I cook that chicken stock. Let's go, dude. Bulletproof coffee blender in my Nutribullet blender. Whoa, whoa. What would I do without my Nutribullet blender? Shit. I'd be lost, bro. I'd be lost. IDK. IDFK. I felt like we were at that reading last night. Yeah. That was the what, Pierce? Yeah. Wait, was that DaBaby? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I stand by those bars, you know, for everything. Dude, that song's actually... There's a... He didn't know what it was. He said, what's this? It's kind of good. Yeah. I put a lot of stank on the word kinder, though. Yeah. You don't like kinder? I emphasize kinder. I like my very buzz a bit about being an old head and wearing Jordan Threes. And wearing what? That's a fun... Yeah, yeah. Being like a bitter old dude, washed up old dude. That's a fun dude. That's a deep cut. I was literally... Actually, yeah, the four I've made all that music with... Well, that's just me. Is that E? He pulled up yesterday. That was V. Oh, okay. Yeah, he pulled up yesterday randomly. And we were just in the park, like, playing some old-ass tracks. Like, damn, this is a guy. Like, I was, that's my new, now I stand by everything. I remember when, damn, what was that one? I got a bunch of, like, just hating-ass reviews, but one of them was Gawker, I think. They linked that song. Oh, dude, that's the worst review. That's the worst review in the world. I was like, get my numbers up. Thank you. Yeah, I'll fight that, dude, anytime I see them. What era of Gawker was this? Was this when they came back kind of briefly? Came back, yeah. And then they're gone now. Oh, they're gone? Good. Good riddance. What's your beef with Gawker? Oh, they just wrote the fucking work. Like, it was the lamest review ever. What did they say? They just, like, picked, like, the gnarliest things I say about, you know, he says about himself and just, like, listed them all and was like, see? He fucking sucks. I was like, I don't know. It was trash. It was trash. I mean, he's just some washed, old-ass writer trying to get attention for himself. You know what I'm saying? That's how it means. Well, this is your opportunity to clear up the record. Dude, ain't no record. The book is gas. If you're literate and want to read it, it'll hit, you know? Also, I feel like you'll post fuckboy now. Like, it's walkbook, baby. It's what? It's walkbook. Yeah, no, I got... No, I'm cooking, bro. Yeah. That's so funny, dude. You're pulling up... Start out with that verse. No, that was definitely the technique, though. It'd just be like, say some...

always just throw in the health food at the end. We were listening to all the songs and realized that was just our... We were critiquing ourself. We're like, oh, we just say some menacing shit and then you just drop a health food reference and then girls are like, oh, but he knows about chicken stock. Oh, but he likes health food. I can fix him. You've been on chicken stock. I realize how manipulative all our tracks are. I recently embraced the chicken stock lifestyle on Dom's recommendation and it's changed. my life. That's what I'm saying, dude. Spread the good word, dude. Seriously. Nourishing traditions. You are advancing a noble cause. So wait, you were in the park yesterday listening back to your old shit? A couple days ago. He pulled up out of nowhere. Damn. And then we were like, we were just sitting in the park drinking and then, yeah. So there's a whole tape? There's a bunch of tapes, yeah. Can we, uh... Yeah, can we use them for the app? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'll say which ones are good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sick. Dude, you gotta put those out. something they're out bro tt wait the tape the tapes are out the tapes are the tapes on dat piff bro oh hey dude you got that yeah this is a pro dap dot piff pro chicken stock podcast that's kind of like yeah that's the intersection of our of our of our influences yeah yeah yeah dude then that comes out as mostly incels it does explain our um minuscule listenership we we gotta bring in like a third element a third more broadly i also feel like uh um half asian men as well as our they grabbed it yeah that's that's the demographic it's just that's mostly because yeah yeah exactly Nice. Oh, fuck. I've never like formally said that on the podcast. I kind of wanted to like keep that to myself, but I guess it's... Nah, it's fucking out, bro. No, dude, we'll just bleep it out. Nah, it's out. It's out. It's out. Dave is such a pussy with what goes out. He's like, I'm not going to do the collab post because I'm in the video. Guess what? I have a lot to lose. I have so much riding on this. I have a life. I have a life beyond this. that I intend to preserve. I can just like get a text-to-voice thing to just be like, oh, I'm half Nigerian, half Swedish. It'll be fine. I'm half Nigerian, half Nigerian. So I'm French.

I don't fuckin' know, probably be six feet a hand and call me yo Oh, that's she 30 now Said her I can't have it, but I can't have it now You a baddie now, Tiffany Haddish now Guess I can't grab her how I feel Just a bitter old watch, dude I never thought I'd be Lookin' such as fuck in my scuff, Jordan 3's down We've diverged. What's your... Oh, also, would you guess that this is also... Dominic is also a half-oriental? I'm core. I'm core, bro. Quarter-oriental. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reading the other night, someone came up to me and was like, are you Dane Kissick? wait someone said that yeah someone's like are you looking for and then i was like nah dude why are you profiling are you organ tapes bro yeah yeah are you organ tapes bro now we send the the one story pod with i sent the one story pod with dean to the to the cloud file group chat and it was going off it was Well received. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I know. Well, Mavins actually is my favorite Wellbeck. The saddest part of all time. Just us two reading the saddest lines from Wellbeck ever. Like, so love is never going to happen. One bit you didn't talk about, which is my favorite bit from that book, is when the detectives are looking through his computer and they're like, oh, I bet he watched the most fucked up porn. And it's just on Pornhub. He's just such beautiful woman. Like a loving relationship. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's the funniest conceit ever. Did you follow the, like, Kirok Hualbek thing? Dean was texting me a lot about that. He actually met those girls who made that video. Yeah. The sex tape. Yeah. And they were, like, doing, like, ratings and stuff. They're like esoteric prostitutes. Yeah. Yeah. I think the week before, Dean was like, should we get them on the pod? I don't know. I was like, let's just pull up, bro. I'm trying to put my man on black. Because he's not happy. And then he watched the tape, Dean did. He's seen it? Oh, apparently Welbeck kind of laid it down. Yeah, it's hard to watch, right? It's not out. That's the whole problem. It's in legal purgatory. He got cold feet after he, I guess, boned up a storm.

but he felt he felt he'd been like entrapped essentially like he felt he'd been like brought in under false pretext and they kind of like got him a little bit sauced and then signed some like poorly constructed contract it went through like one a round of legal proceedings kirak won but it's i guess it's being appealed right now so it's been held up yeah i was like i don't know i felt i felt like i was against the whole premise of it I got a little trigger about that story. I was like, that's fucked up, dude. That's where you draw the line. Yeah, I mean, Kierak, they're like extremely entertaining. I'm also like, as a Dutchman, they're like a very refreshing presence on the extremely kind of like stultified, dare I say, like cucked sort of like Amsterdam Dutch art scene. But they're legitimately like awful, ruthless, awful, ruthless people. But I respect them. I respect them, but I would never welcome them into my life. The Dutch have got a storied history of bringing sex into cinema. Yes. Being like... Are you a Paul Verhoeven head? Am I a what? Paul Verhoeven head. Paul Verhoeven? I mean... You've seen Basic Instinct? I haven't seen Basic Instinct. I've seen Starship Troopers, which is good. But I should stand him a lot more actively than I did. But he made a load of sex movies in Holland and then basically went to America and was like, give me $30 million to... Get Sharon's naked. And he did it. I heard they used a stunt vagina. No, it's real. It's real? It's real. Yeah. Okay. She's okay with it now. I think at the time it wasn't so good. But she's cool now. She's okay. She's embraced. I mean, I've seen that scene. Just classic. Fuck saying. A classic cinematic moment of clam. Yeah. Anyway. Do you have any good, or do you have a, what's your stance on the Dutch? Well, I was just thinking, what was I listening to recently? The Dutch are like the earliest imperialists, you know what I'm saying? The Dutch held down a lot of colonies waiting for everybody else. We were pretty good at it. Yeah, when you think about, what was I listening to recently? Something about the Dutch being really good at a lot of martial arts.

Cause they just held down a lot of like Asian countries early on. A lot of marginal arts or Martian arts. Martial arts. Martial arts. Oh shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like, um, but I feel like, yeah, they got in early and then they were just like chilling up, you know, we're still coasting off it. Yeah. They literally turned it to banks or no, I don't know how they held it down. They, they, the, the Dutch are, were one of the few, like in the, 16th to 17th century, obviously like a time of relative intellectual darkness, where the church essentially, the church repressed a lot of what people, I guess, like called like free thought. Yeah. And the Dutch, like out of a sense of essentially like mercantile entrepreneurial greed adopted like a very, very, very... convenient, uh, like, Lutheran, uh, uh, religious ideology. Religious, yeah. Which, which just basically, like, allowed for, like, free trade, um, freedom of thought, like, pseudo, like, pseudo-extremely, like, tolerant, kind of, like, Dutch-style, like, liberalism. But purely, purely to, to, uh, to make the most of their, um, colonized resources. That's what I'm saying, like, if you look at, like, or, like, in, you know, World War II when Japan was going out and fucking trying to take everything. I feel like there were a lot of Dutch colonies, wasn't it? Probably. I think so, I think so. I gotta, yeah, let's not talk shit about that. But yeah, that's what's up. I fuck with the Dutch. Have you been to Europe? Yeah, I've been to Europe. I lived in Scotland when I was little. And then, yeah, I freaking, I've been out to Amsterdam before. I did a couple of early trips all around, all around Europe. Yeah, I'm trying to go back there. Do it, man. Trying to exile in Europe. Do you smoke weed still? Yeah, I'd be spliffing a little bit, you know? Yeah. I'm not going to lie. It's hard in New York. I got afraid of the dispense race. I don't like it. I don't like it either. I don't like it either. But, yeah. Were you ever like heavy, loud guy? No, I don't like heavy, loud. I'm more of like a, just spruce up my cigs a little bit, you know? Just a little sprinkle, just to open things up a little bit. Yeah.

A smidge of mid. It's a smidge of mid. That's exactly it. Yeah. I don't fuck with that. But you're not hitting gummies to, like, get inspired or anything. Nah. Nah, not so much. Not so much. But, uh... But, yeah, I mean, it's also... It's been, you know, it's springtime, dude. Yeah. I've been, uh... Yeah, it's been a little bit, uh... I don't know, some mushrooms floating around. Yeah. It's been it. Are you tripping your ass off right now? Always, dude. Do you have any zin that I can appropriate? Yeah, hit a zin, dude. Literally, I got off the damn train. I was already fucking 45 minutes late, and I was like, I cannot do a podcast. I don't know if we're going to be able to smoke in here. I was like, cannot do a podcast without some zin, dude. I can't hit it. It makes me sick. Yeah, if it goes down the wrong pipe, it can really get you. Do you think it would work as a suppository? Yeah, exactly. Wait, but Sean, you've said on the record that you think America needs a ground war. Say that again? You think America needs a ground war? I've been yelling about a ground attack a lot. That's been my most recent rant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little bit, yeah. I don't go out anymore to parties because I'm always just yelling at, just scaring. Yeah. No, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I've had a lot of anti-American. I think I am a little bit anti. I think you should be critical of your culture, though. You know what I'm saying? I think I'm a little bit anti-American. I think that's why I get to... You want to be a sportsman? No, I don't know. I'm just like... No. Confirmed global citizen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an international writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. It's a funny rant, you know? Like, you know, I think it was good we had an earthquake and an eclipse on the same weekend just, you know, just reminding people that there are larger forces that can... The elements that are going to come into play. Yeah, just living in complete... you know, never having any risk in your life, then this shit gets real kooky where it's just like, I don't know. Yeah, it's insane here. It's almost like psychedelic the way you just like, or maybe it's just come on holiday, but I feel like I'm just like contactless payments just kind of like get me high a little bit. That's so quick. Yeah, it's instant.

the the like stimulation is crazy and you but you're just like floating between like different like entertainment things yeah yeah yeah that's just when i when i get upset about no i don't know so it's a ground war to keep people grounded yeah yeah well it's like uh or a storm okay you know um but i mean i mean that's just that you know i guess it's just like the military is so just an attachment from the military and global dominance, you know, than, like, I feel like that's a, yeah, that's a grounding force. It's a neutralizing force if you're like, oh, we have to come together and, like, protect ourselves from some outer thing. Maybe you should serve for a while. I know, right? And my whole family did pretty much stuff for my dad. For real? Yeah, my whole family's military. Well, your mom did as well? No, no, no, just somebody else. Men. just the the fellas yeah just the fellas uh what's that like at the like the family affairs um yeah i mean yeah well it's kind of yeah it's i don't i'm not that tight with my dad's side of the family but they just got that energy yeah um but i mean it just probably means that yeah the feds are feds are listening to what i'm doing all the time i mean That's my assumption whenever I leave the home, that I'm constantly being surveilled. That's why we started this podcast. So we could be more surveilled. No, that's what I'm on too. Just like share everything so then they can't even talk with you. Yeah, yeah. What are your thoughts on locust swarms? What's that? Locust swarms? Locust swarms? Yeah. like in like the biblical sense in the biblical sense that's kind of in my walk that's kind of how my walk ended do tell i was i was like in uh i was in like southwestern colorado and i was walking it might have been a dust it was a dust storm but i thought it was a locust storm like they had these dust storms in in that area of the country yeah where it's just you can't see anything and all the cars pull over for like five ten minutes oh and i was just walk i was just walking and i couldn't see anything i couldn't you know what i'm saying yeah and then i went i went back to the previous town

And just, like, try to sleep by a building. And then these, like, stray dogs were harassing me all night. And I was just covered in dust. And then, like, three days later, I called it. But that was, like, kind of a locust storm. Yeah. But I've never seen a locust storm. That's a very vivid and visceral scenario you just described. Yeah, it was hot as fuck. I was, like, outside. I was, like, trying to fight off the dogs, like, the whole night. It was fucked up. Did you have to inflict pain on an animal? I was just out there with my headlamps, just like, get the vlog back. It was great. But yeah, it took me a long time to realize that was actually the end of my walk. I think I got really shook. See what I'm saying? You get shook by nature, then you're like, oh, this is why we have a shelter. This is why we respect every part of our different roles of people. Don't just say certain people have no value just because the military's out here bombing everybody. That's what it is. It's a little bit of a... Men's rights, you rant. But it's like, dude, come on. I'm about equal representation in the arts, you know what I'm saying? And they got, like, not equal representation. I'm literally the only fucking guy. We need to put on more men. We need to put on more women. We need to put on more locust swarms. Yeah, locust swarms. Yeah, I mean, the locust swarms will make everybody, you know, like, oh, maybe someone could, I don't know, build a good shelter to protect us from the locust swarms. It's never a locust swarm. It's just, like, a bunch of, you know, power-hungry... Fools putting out nonsense art. Name names, man. Shit on it. Just the whole literary world, dude. I only read dead people. I don't read contemporary literature. I read dead people. All the people I like are those that are dead, you know that song?

All my friends are dead? All my friends are dead? That shit goes, dude. Wait, wait.